pick yourself up.

november is slowly inching closer.
in a way.
i want it to come.
and in another way.
i want it to go.
as far as possible.

these past few days have been totally depressing for some.
even me.
maybe these are the times you realise who is really there for you.
and who really matters most in your heart.

people constantly say that they don't have love.
or that they don't have the one they love.
well.
ever think about it this way?
love is really all around you.
only in a different manner.
friends who love you are always there for you.
God who loves you who never ceases to forgive.
and your guardian angels who protect you because they love you.
and there are those who love you, that they do all they can just to make you happy.

what if everything you were hoping for.
turns out otherwise.
i don't know.
if you expect too much.
it will only lead to disappointment.
so why expect?
why not don't expect at all?
and live your life for surprises?
wouldn't it be better this way?


nessa finally thought everything over with a clear head.
and with help.
thank you for divine intervention.
thank you pet.
thank you callisa.
and baby varien too.
cause i felt your arms around me when i was crying.
thank you classmates of W14M.
for letting me cry and helping me finish my work when i was shamelessly crying in class.
and for making me laugh and cry at the same time.

and so,
nessa made this decision.
it was a little difficult at first.
because nessa wasn't willing to let go.
but whats the point really?
when there was more horrible memories rather than the happy ones.
not say horrible.
just upsetting.
and doing that book.
just made me see this clearer.
that we were always more than friends.
no matter how much we try to draw the line.
it seems impossible.
because neither one of us are willing to let anything go.
not willing to let memories go.
which is why things like this happen.

fuck. nessa isn't going to cry.

this is going to be a right decision to make.
we think we know each other too well.
but never realise when either one of us change.
and we continue to assume that either one of us are still the same.
react the same way.
and things go wrong.

thats why i had help making this decision.
i don't want to lose anything.
even you.
cause you're one of the closest friends i got.
it will only work if you agree to it.
cause it won't be fair to just say
lets start it over everytime something bad comes up.
but we know that we've tried so hard and yet there are still gaps to fill.
its nenevr ending.
its like a cycle.
and i want to break it.
like what brother says.
i'm not going to be weak.
and i'm going to stay strong to break it.
so here i am.

take as long as you want.
all i need is a couple more days to let it all out.
and then we can try for one more time.
and somehow i know.
that we can do this.
we can give this a try.
and this friendship will last until the end of time.
sher and i have lasted for 11 years with so many ups and downs.
jealously hate and anger.
but everytime, we would make it alright.
and forgot why we were upset with each other.
i want that with you.
and much more than eleven years.
and when its time for either one of our funerals.
we'll know what to do.
one memory i will keep.
that i'll die before you do.
ok.
maybe thats a joke.

so anytime when you're ready then.
but don't forget.
you're supposed to bring me to the zoo!
so please be ready be then!
thank you very much.

i'm not all that sure about penang.
you said that you would bring me there cause i never go there before.

but lets just deal with the zoo first alright?
and if you still want to bring me there.
then you let me know.
haha.
if not.
I'LL GO BY MYSELF!
and be a loner for awhile.
haha.
see how la.

but just so you know.
i'll be waiting.
you say a week.
but i'll give you as long as you want.
cause i won't force you to do things you can't.
so yeah.
take as long as you want.
just make sure its before my birthday.

nessa should listen to brother for a while.
smile.
even when you're upset.
smile.
cause you know everything will be alright.
smile.
cause you'll find joy from it.
and keep your head up.
even when the world is falling down on you.
cause you knwo that there are people who love you to guide you.
no matter where you are.
no matter where you go.
no matter who you've become.
cause love is unlimitless.
love is unconditional.
love is what brings joy to people.

but then mother thresa had to contradict.
love hurts.

but she is dead.
brother is alive.
so for now.
i choose to listen to people who are alive.
cause i had enough of listening to dead people.
if you all know what i mean.

my vision came through didn't it?
when i said that i saw you crying.
hurt and upset.
it was what claire saw too.
but i didn't think it would come true.
but now i see something else.
you're going to be stronger.
trust me on this.
and hopefully this time.
you will finally see.
and not just look.
then you'll know what this truly means.


cause,
its life made of memories gone so young.
and i'll be there for you.
even when the world starts to fall.